


Eventually... Yes, Eventually.

by thatdragonchic



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jasper is in Sad Boi Hours, M/M, Team as Family, but they're back to that cute stuff in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 07:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17844911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatdragonchic/pseuds/thatdragonchic
Summary: After his confrontation with Carter, Jasper breaks down. So he goes to Mac for comfort, but doesn't quite know how to talk about what he's feeling, about all the thoughts in his head. Isn't it good that Angus Macgyver is a loving patient person?





	Eventually... Yes, Eventually.

He ends up there because Mac’s the only person he thinks he can turn to, his head is spinning and he doesn’t know what to do, or what to say, and there’s nothing more calming than the scent of fresh linen and the smokey bonfire smell that clung to his flannels at all times, with an underlying scent of lab chemicals. Jasper needs him, needs to feel him breathing underneath his touch, needs to feel the warmth of his skin, needs to pretend for a minute that it was all okay. That his life wasn’t burning down around him. 

The guilt was eating at his core, and he thinks maybe he should just leave when Mac answers the door, a bit sleepy looking, his flannel a bit disheveled, and he was in sweat pants instead of jeans. “Jasper?” he asks confused.

“Are you busy?”

“No I was sleeping on the couch and- hey what are you doing here?”

“I just… wanted to see you.”

“Oh- I mean, here I am,” he says comically and Jasper gives a bit of a smile, his arms wrapped tightly around his own body, his duffle strap digging into his shoulder from the tight grip he has on it. Mac narrows his eyes a bit at him, but he smiles too. “Well it’s cold outside, you should come in.”

“You think it’s cold? This is as nice as a spring day,” Jasper says softly, stepping in anyways, shutting the door behind him. “Is anyone over?”

“No, nobodies over,” Mac says, offering to take his back, he watches as Jasper flinches a bit. “What happened to that big project of yours at work?”

“It’s on hold for a bit.”

Mac nods, and Jasper knows how dead his voice sounds, and he just drops his bag and pulls him into a hug, pressing his face into his neck, and relief floods his veins as Mac takes in a deep breath from surprise.  _ He’s not dead, just in cell.  _ Jasper tries to tell himself.  _ He might as well be dead.  _ The evil voice in his mind tells him, the part of him that was so angry that it burned all the shirts he left, all his pictures, that shattered his old cologne bottle that Jasper only opened when he was at his worst. His house was a mess, his hands had a few cuts from cleaning the glass from the broken frames, the shattered cologne bottle. He doesn’t know how to tell him how deeply angry he was by Carter’s betrayal. 

_ I would never hurt you, Jason. I’d never do anything to hurt you.  _

He’s shaking in Mac’s arms, and Mac squeezes his hip tight, bringing him back to reality, and he realizes he’s crying, that Mac’s shirt was wet, that he couldn’t stop the sob that escaped him, or stop the fat tears that fell. He was so  _ upset _ and there was no resolve. 

It felt like there was no resolve. Nothing that could save him, that he’d always end up broken by the people he loved. 

“It’s okay,” Mac says. “You’re okay,” he says. “I love you,” he says. “I won’t let anything happen to you,” he says. Jasper believes him. But he can’t get a word out, his mind shuts down. What does he say? What is he supposed to say? Why couldn’t he say anything? He felt himself shut down, forehead digging into Mac’s collar bone as he falls apart in his arms. He lets Mac hold him together, he lets Mac keep his pieces in place as he destroys himself from the inside out. 

 

It’s quiet, and much later than before. They’re laying on the bed, Jasper in Mac’s clothes, freshly showered. They were quiet. “Did you want to eat?” Mac asks, because he cares, and Jasper knows he cares.

He curls into Mac’s MIT sweatshirt, the one that was too big for Mac, and too big for Jasper, and he shakes his head. He can’t get himself to open up, he wants to say something but he can’t. 

“You can tell me whatever it is. I won’t say anything, you know that.”

“I know,” Jasper whispers, and he turns into Mac, body draped over his own. He kisses his chest, gentle and soft. Mac wraps his arms around him, keeping him close to him. Jasper has the hood pulled over his wet hair. Mac leans down, kisses his forehead, and Jasper smiles a bit. “We could watch a movie,” he whispers.

“What movie?” Mac asks, but he doesn’t move to grab the remote. 

“Oh… I don’t know, any.”

“You’ll only end up watching star wars.”

Jasper smiles, nuzzling into Macs ribs. “I like how that sounds,” he says softly. “I like how excited you get watching it.”

Mac smiles, squeezing his back, kissing his head again. Jasper emptily traces his fingertips over Mac’s arm, falling quiet, and he doesn’t mind rolling off to let Mac put a movie on, and he grabs his cell phone, calling the dessert place that was only about 15 minutes out, and placing an order to pick up.

“Don’t leave,” Jasper says softly.

“I’ll be back, just going to grab the desserts and I’ll be back. You  _ must  _ be hungry, maybe I should get food too.”

“I really don’t want to eat. Or drink- so don’t get any wine either… please.”

Mac nods slowly, and he goes to grab some blankets from the closet, the ones he used to love as a teen because they were old and soft and heavy, the ultimate comfort. He drapes one over Jasper, and then proceeds to tuck him in throughly, his boyfriend squirming.

“Are you trying to swaddle me?”

“Yes. Now stop moving,” Mac says softly, kissing his cheek before going to grab his keys. “Don’t start the movie without me.”

“I’m in a giant baby swaddle under a blanket that weighs more than me, how could I?”

Mac laughs, playing Gilmore Girls on Netflix, because he knows Jasper loves it, and Jasper attempts to get comfortable in his swaddled form, ends up wiggling so he’s practically a ball on the bed. He steps forward, tilting Jasper’s head back and kissing him deeply, giving all his love in his kiss. 

“Hey, I’m going to be right here whenever you need me,” Mac whispers, and Jasper gives a sad smile. “I know you don’t really want to talk about whatever is going on in your head, but… when your ready, I’m gonna be right here.”

“What if I decide I want to talk when your out getting dessert,” Jasper teases, biting back a smile, Mac rolls his eyes and kisses him again. “Hey… I really appreciate what you’re doing. It’s just…” his voice trails off, and he looks so helpless, so broken. 

“It’s okay… I promise it’s okay.” 

Mac gets home and Jasper is watching the tv but he seems completely zoned out, like he’s not focused on it all. Like there was something else on his mind, and Mac wishes he could see into his head, figure out what he’s talking about. Why couldn’t he tell him? What had happened? He’s bracing himself for the worst, but he doesn’t know if there’s anything Jasper could say that could break him- he came to him didn’t he?

He puts the bag aside, and goes to settle on the bed on top of Jasper, legs draped over his hip, cheek pressing into his shoulder. Jasper smiles, staying on his side. “You okay?” Mac whispers.

“I haven’t thrown myself into the ocean yet, so…”

“Hey, don’t say things like that,” Mac says softly.

“Do you think I’m an awful person?” Jasper asks abruptly.

“Wha- of course not. If I thought you were awful, I wouldn’t be with you.”

Jasper nods, and gets quiet again, and Mac bites his lip. Was it the wrong thing to say? Does he question him? Macs guilt is starting to claw at his insides, trying to find a way out, but Jasper retreats into his own mind, and is quiet again. For a long time.

 

Halfway through their second Star Wars movie, Jasper finally wiggles out of his swaddle, and moves to where Mac was laying at the foot of the bed, head dangling off, watching the movie upside down. He presses himself into his side, and just sits there with him. 

“You’re being quiet,” Jasper says.

“Me?” Mac asks as if it’s incredulous.

“Yeah, you always do all the talking during Star Wars.”

Mac nods. “I just… I don’t know this is weird… we don’t… don’t this.”

“I just… I needed to be with you. I’m sorry I didn’t call.”

“What happened?”

Jasper opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. He sits up and Mac sits up with him, leaning in so they’re still close, so Jasper doesn’t feel he has to put a distance between them. “Jasper… I just want to help you. Why won’t you tell me?”

Jasper takes a deep breath, as if steadying the tears. Mac rubs his chest gently, kissing his cheek. 

“It’s okay, I don’t care if you cry.”

“He doesn’t  _ deserve  _ to make me cry this much.”

Mac feels like something had hit him in the stomach. Who was  _ he  _ and why was Jasper so wrecked about this? “I…”

“It’s not fair… he promised, when he left he’d promised,” Jasper whispers, forehead pressing into Mac’s shoulder. “It wasn’t supposed to end up like this- I’m  _ awful.  _ I’m  _ selfish.  _ He’s going to end up in prison, it’s going to be my fault.”

_ Oh  _ Mac thinks, this is a work related someone. Was it his partner? Was it Julius? Dallas? “You’re not selfish… you’re doing your job, babe. You’re doing what you have to do-”

“How many times do we do what we have to do before we’re heartless?”

“You’re not heartless… you have the nicest heart I’d ever seen.” 

Jasper shakes his head, sobbing into his shoulder. Everything inside him felt empty, betrayed. He shakes his head, wasn’t he a monster for handing over every word of information from the interrogation? For not trying to skew it for Carter? For hating Carter more and more every second that passed by? 

 

2 AM and they were laying on the living room floor now, because Jasper had made himself sick and showered again. And it was colder now, there were few cars still out on the streets. Mac is laying next to him, but they’re not touching this time. Jasper considered lighting a cigarette but doesn’t. The lights are off, except for the white bathroom light that was leaking into the room, over Jasper.

“You’re thinking too much,” Mac says softly.

Jasper nods. “I tore my house apart, trying to get rid of everything he ever left behind.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Carter Sans. My ex partner.”

“What happened to him?”

“He became a god in his mind, tore the world around him to pieces and got caught.”

“You make it sound so pretty.”

“He once told me… that being an agent did things to people’s minds, that agents that lose it become one of two things: a god, or irrelevant. It drives them mad, and they either use that power they think they have to do drastic, irrational things, or try to gain control of their situation, throw themselves into the spotlight, be recognized for their heroism by being irrational. They do more harm than good…”

“So… he became a god?”

“He killed those people Mac, he admitted it.”

Mac seems sympathetic. “That’s not… your fault, that he did it, Jasper.”

“No but I interrogated, and I pretended like I’d never met him before. Like I didn’t know it was him the second I got a nameless file. They knew I would know… wouldn’t you know if it were Jack?”

Mac takes a deep breath. “I would… But Jack would never-”

“Carter wouldn’t have either, but he left and he came back to me, in my interrogation room, admitting that he killed those people, and he burned buildings for vengeance, smuggled drugs for people. He said it was addiction, he said it was the power rush. He went rogue… And I can’t forgive him Mac. I’m so angry at him, I can’t stand to think of him, of what he’s done. Everyone keeps saying it wasn’t meant to hurt  _ me  _ but it hurts, it hurts so much.”

“You know… I was so angry at Jack for leaving me, but… he did what he had to do, and I don’t know what it’s going to… do to him, but I imagine, that at least, if he messed up, the only thing I could do to help him, was put him in prison. Then he couldn’t be out in the field, hurting all those other people who don’t deserve it. You and I both know when someone goes rogue, there is so little you can do to help them, that they won’t care who drowns because of it.”

“I hate him.”

“I would hate Jack too.”

“You would?”

“He’s my best friend… I think I’d feel betrayed.”

“I just… I don’t understand. At least you know where Jack went off too. I didn’t know… and I… was sitting here, trying to fill in all the gaps, trying to fit all the pieces. Where had his mind gone? What had done this to him?”

“Right…”

“And I just- I don’t-”

“Jasper? It’s okay,” Mac whispers, pressing their foreheads together. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault,” he says softly, Jasper was breathing hard, and Mac just needed him to calm down, to see clearly. It takes 20 minutes, of just keeping him close. Of holding him together, reminding him he loves him, he cares, that he did the right thing. Whatever it was that he really did, he did the right thing. A good thing. He tells him it’s okay to be angry.

Jasper is just holding onto him. “I just… hate feeling so bothered.”

“You’re allowed to have feelings.”

“I don’t want it to interfere with work.”

“I know you, and I know you won’t let that happen babe.”

He nods, tired, worn out. He doesn’t want to argue, he doesn’t want to leave himself open to the bare bones- but that’s what love is, isn’t it? “It hasn’t…. Happened before necessarily, but emotion affects outcome. And if my emotions get in the way…” he says softly, and Mac shakes his head, leaning in to kiss him, forcing Jasper’s breath to even out. He’s terrified if Jasper falls into panic, he won’t be able to bring him out of that. Jaspers breath evens out, just resting against him defeated. “I don’t want to be a failure.”

“You’re the furthest thing from failure,” Mac says softly. “It’s okay to show emotions, it’s okay to be emotional about things… Not everything has to be black and white.”

Jasper nods, and he’s so  _ tired _ . His body doesn’t have the energy to stay awake anymore, his whole body is ready to give, to just let himself fall into a deep, swaying sleep. Mac is speaking but Jasper doesn’t really know what he’s saying, moving so he’s pressed to Mac, head right over his heart. He lets the sound drag him right into sleep. 

 

He wakes up in Mac’s bed, the other half empty, and he wonders if Mac had slept on the couch or if he had left the house, or if he’d upset Mac last night, if maybe he’d ruined everything. He’s sort of scared to find out, so he just lays there, on the bed, arm over his stomach before he rolls into Mac’s side, the bed still a bit warm.

He reasons that Mac must have just gone out for his run. Or maybe he got called into work. Jasper sighs, trying to fall back asleep. His body fell like lead, his sinuses feel as if they’ve been washed out by water, his chest aches. His stomach was still flipping from throwing up at 2 AM last night. He’s put mac through so much the past night, and he has a million apologies running through his head. 

There’s a faint knock at the bedroom door before Mac opens it. “Hey, you okay?” He whispers and Jasper hums. 

“I’m okay,” he says, nose scrunching up. “What’s that smell?”

“I toasted bagels? And I put butter on yours, because butter has healthy proteins that boost immunity.”

“I’m not sick,” he says, very stuffy. Mac laughs. “It’s from the crying.”

“Okay babe, now up, so you can eat breakfast and freshen up.”

“I showered a million times yesterday.”

“New clothes, maybe just sit outside for a bit,” he offers. Jasper nods, feeling the bed dip, and he peers up at Mac. He’s beautiful in the morning light, gentle in a worn flannel- which now that he’s looking at it- 

“Is that my shirt?”

Mac glances down at the flannel he’s wearing, the soft material it was made of and shrugs. “I think I took it from you a long while ago, actually.”

Jasper sits up, and kisses his shoulder. “Come on, take me to the kitchen cutie.”

Mac laughs, leading him to the kitchen, even if Jasper knows exactly where it is. He offers him the warm bagel, and Jasper smiles, kissing his cheek. “You even made coffee. That’s so cute.”

“Don’t get hopeful, please, this is all I know how to make.”

“Honestly? I’m surprised you toasted the bagels without burning them.”

“Don’t be silly, you just press the button.”

“The temp control….?”

Mac squints and nods. “Yeah, see Bozer set that up when we got a new one.”

“What happened to the last one?” Jasper asks as he bites into the bagel. Mac makes a face, squinting, a bit disgusted with himself it seems. 

“I… made a thing.”

Jasper smiles, still chewing. Mac sips his coffee and shrugs casually as he does. “Did you make it go kaboom?”

He looks like an ashamed puppy. “Maybe?”

Jasper shakes his head, licking the butter from his lips. “I can’t wait to ask Bozer about that story.”

“How long are you staying?” Mac asks.

He shrugs. “Until this afternoon probably… I just… couldn’t go home. So I came here.”

Mac nods, quiet for a few minutes as they work their way through breakfast. They’re both about halfway when Mac finally speaks up. “You do know you come to me about anything, right? I’m your boyfriend, it’s what I’m here for… we work through things together. We’re a team, you know?”

Jasper nods, slowly, and he seems skeptical for a fleeting moment. All his trust gone and then back again in a second. “I know… I just… have a bad habit of keeping everything inside. And this was so… so sudden, so shocking. I didn’t… I’ve never- I just imagine that maybe this is how my father felt when he got my phone call.”

“Wha-”

“I faked my death and ran away from home,” Jasper admits. “I came from a really bad place… A bad family. Though, we’d be sitting here all day, unpacking all that baggage. Just… Carter… helped a lot. My whole team did, but… you know, he was my best friend.”

Mac agrees, urging him on.

“He knew the things about me I told no one else… my real name… other things that you’ll want to question but I don’t want to talk about right now.”

Mac nods. “But you’ll tell me eventually?”

“Yeah. Eventually,” Jasper agrees. “Also, these bagels are pretty okay for West Coast.”

“It’s not a new york bagel,” Mac agrees mournfully and Jasper laughs. After he’d taken Mac to the city for Valentines Weekend, Mac had proceeded to text him the whole about all the things that were not as good as they were in New York. “We should move to New York… me and you.”

“Maybe… Soho suits you.”

“It does, doesn’t it? And you have that busy businessman look about you. You would so fit in in Manhattan.”

Jasper laughs, leaning over the counter and pulling him into a kiss, deep and passionate. He was glad he came here, glad he had Mac to turn to. Glad he found someone who felt so much like home, and safety, and summer warmth. “I love you..”

“I love you too, Jas…”

“Thank you for… putting up with me.”

“Wasn’t putting up with you. It’s not like that, you know that… you being okay is all that matters to me.”

“I’ll call next time.”

“You never have to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely positive. Besides, when we live in the city, it’s not like you need to call me to come into our own house.”

Jasper smiles, nodding. “I mean, I might have to just to bug you…”

Mac rolls his eyes, smiling gently, the morning light spilling over him perfectly. He seemed so warm, so light, so good. As they settle back down in their seats, Mac takes one of Jasper’s hands in both of his own, thumb rubbing into his palm. 

“What are you doing?”

“There was this thing I read that psychics do… you need olive oil, but… so far,” he teases. “But it helps… sooth the demons of your past or something. You don’t do this at your practice?” he teases. 

“No. I’m only a starting psychic. It’s an ancient practice, can’t learn everything at once.”

Mac laughs, just soothingly rubbing his palm. “I made it up,” he admits. “You totally believed me. So you’re not psychic.”

“You keep doubting my powers,” he says. The joke was on going since they met, and neither really found it funny anymore, so much as it was just… their thing. Mac tried to disprove his (not real) psychic abilities, Jasper pretended like he had it all going for him. “We could move to like… a reserve in upstate new york, a nice hiking trail that goes along around the house, and we could have like… birds and a garden. And I could be a witch… warlock?”

“Either or, I think.”

“Is witch gender neutral?”

“Maybe?”

Jasper nods, thinking. “Wicken. A nature witch.”

“Heal me with your magic crystals,” Mac jokes and Jasper gasps.

“Dirty!”

“It is not!”

Jasper throws his napkin at him and Mac laughs. 

Their joy dies down and Mac thinks for a moment. “A house in the woods would be nice. We could leave agencies, live a peaceful life.”

“We could,” Jasper agrees, but something inside him twists. “Eventually,” he adds.

“Yeah… eventually,” Mac agrees. 

“I mean it..”

“I know.”

“And I will tell you… about my family and my past.”

“You had crazy aunt Kate, and a scary grandfather,” Mac recounts and he laughs. 

“Serial Killer Aunt Kate taught me how to use a gun… well I mean technically my whole family were serial killers, we were a hunting family. But not like… animal hunting. It’s complicated,” Jasper informs casually before sipping his coffee.

Mac takes a deep breath. “Yeah, okay, you can tell me another day. I wasn’t mentally prepared for that.”

Jasper nearly chokes on his coffee, swallowing it, seeming amused. “See? I told you. Maybe when we move to New York, on a hiking trail. I’ll tell you everything while we sit by a river or something.”

“So, eventually,” Mac teases.

“Yes… He would’ve liked you. Carter.”

“Oh… Well… Jack would’ve liked you. You two would’ve been best friends probably.”

Jasper laughs, taking Mac’s hands, and he made breathing so easy, he made living so much better. He can’t really imagine much of a life without him. It seemed fruitless, without Mac there to give the world it’s color. He didn’t mind. Life was better with someone to love, he was okay holding onto that thought, to holding onto Mac in his heart.

(Even if it meant learning to give up his darkest secrets, his deepest thoughts; sharing his greatest heartaches.) 

 

\- 2 years ago, Ohio - 

 

Jasper and Carter lay on the floor. Jasper huffs out a long wind of smoke. He’d recently been through a horrible breakup, and Carter, with an awful smoking habit, offered Jasper a cigarette, and he took it. Because it smelled like Carter, and it was soothing, in a burning, awful kind of way. 

“You know… love is a wonderful thing,” Carter says, and Jasper scoffs. “I mean it… it is such a wonderful thing to love.”

“Pain makes you human… being in love makes you weak.”

“Unconditional love… that’s okay. You know? Pain… pain takes humanity from us, eventually. But love… love gives it back. It’s okay to love someone.”

“Maybe… I didn’t love him.”

“You’ll find someone. If it’s not him, it’s someone waiting at the next corner. Where you stop your car, or you’re at a table and you see them… and you just know.”

“Maybe I’ll never fall in love.”

“Maybe you should give your heart a chance… Love gives back, I promise. It keeps you grounded to the world around you, makes happiness easier. Makes breathing easier… living life easier.”

Jasper takes a drag of the cigarette. He’s quiet, letting the smoke escape from between his lips. 

“You’ll find him. Wherever he ends up being.”

“What if you don’t like him?”

“If you picked him? I’d love him.”

  
  


“


End file.
